Authors note: I had this idea of doing Ramadan journals, but I wanted to keep some thoughts to myself. However, I still wanted share a bit. Here’s the first of my “public” journal entries.
There’s this garden of mine (I constantly talk about in my work), and this garden has taught me a lot about myself. I have planted so many seeds in this garden that I sometimes forget what each seed represents. I had to pause before watering each seed. I had to know why I planted each of those seeds in my garden. One of those seeds, I realized was patience. I always gave myself a pat on the back because I thought I was a patient person. However, that was not the case. I became of aware of when I wanted to be patient. Is selective patience a thing? No? Okay. I am patient when waiting in line at any store. I am patient when speaking with children. I am patient with my loved ones. I am patient when I want to. I am just not patient with myself.
The question now becomes how can one be patient with themselves? How do I give myself grace? To start off, I really needed to be patient with myself in regards to processing my emotions. I sometimes get frustrated when I do not meet this “deadline” of processing how I feel. There shouldn’t be a deadline of when to be patient with yourself. I should give myself the time needed to feel, to grow, and to move forward.
When I was younger, I had this vision- of being a successful, educated African woman. I had my entire life figured out. Finish school, get the job, and the husband. I talk about marriage a lot on here because my life is no longer the sunshine and rainbows after each rain storm. It is now centered around marriage. It is impossible for me to run away from. At the age of 19, I had the option of not making marriage the center of my life, because I was in school. I was able to close the door, but not all the way. When I finished undergrad, I opened the door once again, and I opened it by force. Even when I knew, I was not emotionally or mentally ready. I was 22, ready to find him without any self-prep and understanding of what I was looking for. Throughout the journey of looking, people told me to just stop and wait, he will find me instead. Yet, that’s easier said than done, especially when you’re shunned for not having a husband at your age.
After understanding the Soninke caste system and knowing my parents would decide my fate, I became depressed. I talked to one person about it because she is also dealing with the same issue. The thought of satisfying your parents in every part of your life, even if it means sacrificing your passions, goals, and love interests, is terrifying. It’s complex, when you think about it. You have this idea that if you do everything your parents want from you, success will be at the end of the tunnel. You’re doing everything right. Yet, at the end of that same tunnel, guess who is smiling? Your parents.
I remember having my first discussion on marriage with my father. It was light. I approached him, knowing as his first and only daughter, he would want the best for me. When I asked my father about marriage, the man said to me, “As long as the guy you want is Muslim and African.” But, that was 19. As I was leaving 23, to embrace 24, the conversation no longer felt light. The conversation shifted to what my parents wanted, specifically my father. I kept begging for them to see me, as their child, their daughter. What of my happiness? What of my future? I was silenced, and told what was best for me. I struggled to understand why my father lied to me in the first place. I struggled to understand how I could win this battle.
September came and went, as I embraced the coldness. The coldness of my parents. Months went by, and I joked and laughed with my friends about finding me a husband. Yet, inside, I felt lost. Alone. Confused. Angry, and despondent. I was so defeated, I decided to talk to my parents once more. This time, I let them win the battle they started. I told them to find someone for me, and my father smiled. I did not realize the second door that I had just opened.
Arranged marriage, as my parents believe, is okay. It’s the, “I choose what is best for you.” I learned a lot about arranged marriage when I was younger. And, as I got older, I realized how much arranged marriage is embedded in my culture. Yet, it looks so different. Masked as if the girl has a choice, but she doesn’t. It’s never her choice, it’s her parents and relatives choice, because it’s the, “I choose what is best for you.” I choose your cousin for you, I choose this other relative for you, I choose this man because he comes from a wealthy family, I choose.
But when will I ever get to choose? In my dreams?
My father brought a man, and my mother brought a man. I am pulled and tugged at either direction to “choose” whom I “want.” Now, it has shifted to which parent are you willing to make proud. It was never about my happiness. It was never about what was actually best for me. It was never about me. It was about my parents, and their need to control. It was about my parents, wanting to live through me.
The energy I once had to fight for what I believe in, to fight for what is right, to fight for what I want, is long gone. Everyday I hear the same words, “You need to talk to them [your parents].” Or, usually, I will hear, “You need to fight, and marry who you want.” That is easier said than done. I’ve even thought about moving to Colorado and marrying someone without my parents knowledge (obviously it’s not going to happen).
It is my choice. For now, that’s what I continue to tell myself. I can fight, and maybe one day win the battle. But, for now, I will close the two doors, and focus on what I want for myself. Focus on what is best for me.
Author’s Note: Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. You are awesome and I hope you are doing well. Thank you for your support.
A part of me knows that if you were still alive, you would teach me how to be an African woman. Not one who followed all traditions and cultural rules, but one who can defy all of it without hesitation. I talk about being an African woman in America. Mama Diakha, I want to know what it’s like being an African woman in Africa. It’s easy to travel back to Senegal, live like an African woman, but it’s not the same. It’s easy to read all the books about your history, but it’s not the same. It’s easy to take care of my household, but it’s not the same. Mama, I wish you were here to share your knowledge with me. Something my own mother fails to do. She hoards the stories I crave to know all to herself. I have failed countless of times, wondering if you were really watching over me. Yearning your soft comfort, and telling me everything will be fine. Mama, I’ve learned the traditions you’ve practiced a little too late. I’m not sure if I should follow these same traditions; however, do I even have a choice?
I know the woman I want to become, but I am afraid Mama. The thought of fully embracing the new woman is terrifying. She is an independent woman, who knows what it means to finally be free from the shackles of being a first born African daughter. She fully immerses herself in the love and care that Allah has given her. She doesn’t let her parents stop her from truly being herself.
Mama Diakha, I tried to marry a man once. I prayed, and did everything right. I asked Allah to guide me. Yet, there was an unexpected battle. I couldn’t fight it. If you were here, I would imagine you telling me, “my dear, the person that Allah has written for you will come in due time.” I weeped, waiting for someone to comfort me. I’ve experienced heart aches, but this one was different. I let myself forget in order to “heal.” I convinced myself what happened was not real, it was a painful nightmare. But I woke up every morning wondering when this feeling would ever go away.
I think I have healed. Letting the thoughts slowly drift away. Constantly distracting myself waiting for something new and exciting to bring me joy. I continue to ask myself questions, which are difficult to answer. Will I ever be the African woman my mother tried raising me to be? Will I be able to just be? Never having to worry about the pressures of my community. My culture. My people.
If I truly embrace this new woman, will I ever embody the true African woman our culture desires?
Mama, I wish you were here with me. And, if you are watching over me, I pray that you continue.
Hello! I hope you are doing well! In this blog post, I am sharing some of the things I learned this year. Everything I learned is from my own experience. Enjoy 🙂
The unknown is uncomfortable, unsettling, but it is okay.
I don’t know how many times I am going to be learning this, but I need to stop rushing my life. Stop thinking that I need to have everything figured out by this age. I am only 23. I only have a few things figured out. It took me five years to finally decide which career path I want to go into. You were probably told this multiple times. Well, I guess we have to keep learning this same lesson. Last year, I wanted to be married with at least one or two kids. I know- unrealistic right? But, it was a dream. I realized I wasn’t even ready for all of that. It is okay to not know. The unknown is uncomfortable, unsettling, but it is okay. You don’t have to know everything. Where’s the fun in that?
Live in the present, not the past and definitely not the future.
I love living in the future. The husband, the kids, the house, the career. As if those things equate to happiness. I couldn’t wait for those things to happen- the wedding, the childbirth, getting a house and the job will finally make me happy. But, how do those things guarantee happiness? Who told me that I was finally going to be happy when I reach that point in my life? Well, don’t answer that. It was me. And then, I snap out of it all. I blink a few times and look at my surrounding. Look at the people around me, think of the job I have now, basically, everything I have and I breathe. I can dream and want things to happen, especially to accomplish certain milestones. But, guess what? It is okay to live in the present. Try to enjoy your present. I do understand that sometimes, it is hard to enjoy the present, especially with our current circumstances. Just pause, and breathe.
If it was not meant to be, and you know it wasn’t, stop forcing it.
You know how many times I realized something was not meant to be and I STILL forced it?
When I did this, I was honestly hurting myself. Sometimes, we know when something is not meant to be. We know. Yet, we force it because we do not want to let go. This can be for anything. Why force something that is not working out? Sometimes, it is wasted energy and effort.
I attract broken people because I am broken.
And that is the truth. I didn’t learn this until months ago when I realized there was this pattern in my dating life. The constant need to help someone even if they never asked for the help. The people I had in my life were still trying to figure things out, and I always thought I could help. Yet, I didn’t even have my shit figured out. I kept deflecting, not really focusing on myself, but always on my partner. This, of course, was not fair. I had to learn to stop. I am not a healer. My garden isn’t flourished yet, so I cannot water another person’s garden, especially when I am running out of water.
Being petty takes too much energy. Ion like dat.
I am so proud of myself for the amount of times I apologized when I was in the wrong. I grabbed it, owned it, and gave myself a pat on the back. However, I cannot lie and say it was easy. Sometimes we let our pride get the best of us. Should I really apologize or should I be petty? Being petty takes too much energy. When you are wrong, it’s important to apologize. What harm will it do? Accountability will not come and bite you. Your actions may have hurt someone, and if you know you were wrong, take the first step and APOLOGIZE.
Setting goals with action steps is crucial.
I always start the new year with long term goals but throughout the year I also have short term goals. I can create a list of goals and FEEL accomplished for writing them down, but if I do not have action steps behind those goals, it feels harder to accomplish them. Action steps have made my life so much easier. Think of action steps as the baby steps of reaching your goal. I can say my goal is to publish a book, but if I do not plan it and create the steps necessary to help me succeed, then my goal and I will just have a staring contest. To be honest, this takes time to get used to, and it can be time consuming. However, it makes accomplishing your goal easier.
My culture will choose my future husband.
So I wrote about my people’s long tradition of the caste system. But, I wrote about it regarding marriage (there’s more to the caste system). And get this! That was only half of it. After talking to different suitors this year, I finally settled on someone. I was super excited, and ready to do things the right way. At the time, I thought I found my “perfect match.”
Homeboy pulled out all of the tricks, and was romantic, in his own way. I told my parents I finally found someone. For some reason, when I did that, I immediately regretted it. My heart broke in so many ways when my parents gave me the red light. Not to be dramatic, but I thought my world ended at that point. I want you all to know that my parents told me two years ago I can marry anyone I wanted as long as they were Muslim and African. Here we are. According to the people that brought me into this world, I can only marry someone within my tribe and is on the same level as I in the caste system. I’m still processing it because there’s a big part of me that wants to get rid of these traditions. Yet, I do not have the power to do so, especially when I do not have support behind me. This lesson was a heavy hitter, almost as if I was in a boxing ring with my culture and the more I fought it, the more I kept getting KO’d. Will I keep fighting? Yes, I will. I can’t give up.
Some of the characters in your book do not always enter the next chapter.
This one is hard. Sometimes, when I am entering a new chapter, there are characters that cannot enter the new chapter. Throughout my life, I have learned that a lot of people come and go. It hurts especially when your relationship with that person was meaningful. It is honestly just life. And guess what? It is okay. As you grow, there are people in your life that grow with you and others who do not. Sometimes though, it can be the other way around. You may not enter someone’s new chapter. And guess what? Did you guess? Need more time? Well, it is okay. I’ve accepted that some of the characters in my book do not always enter the next chapter.
Embracing my new self.
I recently questioned my relationship with myself. I was wondering why all my other relationships were failing.
How can I enhance my relationships with others when the relationship with myself is terrible? Am I learning more about myself? Not just binging The Office or Grey’s Anatomy, but actually doing activities that help me learn more about myself. Am I taking care of my body? Am I giving the same empathy and caring for others to myself? It was not fair to provide so much love and attention to others, but not to myself. It didn’t even make sense. The other day, as I was reflecting, I laughed at the fact that it took a coaching session for me to realize I was a different person. I have changed, and for the past year, I felt so uncomfortable because I did not accept this new Diakha. She’s different. And for so long, I held onto the old Diakha, as she was stopping me from so many opportunities. As I flip through these next few pages in my book, I want to embrace this new me. I want to work on my relationship with myself. It will be rough in the beginning, but the journey will be beautiful and worth it.
I have come this far, and for that, I am grateful.
Thank you for reading! Your support means everything to me. Remember to take care of yourself and stay safe. Love, Diakha.
Taking the bus to my mother’s hair braiding salon every Saturday and Sunday was a wonderful experience. Or on some weekends, when he was not working, my father would drop my mom and I off. Helping my mother at home and in the salon was satisfying. Always near her side at the age of twelve. As the first born and only daughter, my parents gave me all their attention. Positive and negative. However, I would say mainly negative.
In the home, you would think I was the only child. My parents gave little attention to my younger brothers. As a girl, you must cook. You must clean. You must be near your mother’s side. You must come home early. You must tell your parents where you are at all times. The attention continued as I got older. I always thought it would end, someday, my parents would just let me be. But, I thought wrong.
The older I got, the more dependent they became. I am the mother. I am the father. I am the child. I have always talked about this box in my previous posts. The box that my parents have put me in. When I first talked about this box, my goal was to reach the edge of it and be free. However, I am struggling to reach that edge. I can’t reach my freedom, not even grasp it. I have become the “yes” daughter. Yes, mama I will do that for you. Yes, papa I will do that for you. Even when I have work. Even when I have other responsibilities that must be taken care of.
And the more I think about it, there’s always this guilt. Can I leave my family to live my own life? Doesn’t that make me selfish? I have goals that I want to achieve, but I must think about my family first. If I leave now, who will take care of them? If I leave now, who will be the one to carry the household?
But, what I have come to realize is that thinking like this will not get me anywhere. I am not being selfish for leaving. I am not being selfish for living my own life. It’s quite frustrating that my parents are okay with me leaving when I get married, but not on my own. I can either continue being the yes daughter, or the daughter that will pursue her goals and become successful. I cannot keep blaming my parents for holding me back. No, at this point, I am holding myself back.
I know I must be by my mother’s side, but for how long? I was on a tricycle once, with the help of my mother. Her hand resting on my back, and her encouraging words guiding me. At 23, I am no longer on that tricycle, and my mother’s hand is now holding mine, waiting for me to lead.
I am speaking to the first born African daughters. I am speaking to the only daughters. I am speaking to the daughters who are the head of the household. You are my hero. You have done so much for your family, and I want you to know that you are appreciated. You are not alone in this. You are not selfish for making your own choices. You are not selfish for living your life. You are not selfish for taking a break and taking care of yourself.
Written by Diaka Thiam
Thank you for reading! Look out for The Six Suitors post! 🙂
Hi! We are back again with our newest series. I hope you are all well. Last time we met Mohamed, this post will focus on Khalil! Who’s your favorite suitor so far? Enjoy!
When Khalil married Fanta, Oumy was upset. He knew the consequences of marrying a second wife, but he took the risk anyway. He met Fanta at Oumy’s surprise graduation party that her family threw for her. At first, he was not invited, but Oumy’s youngest sister invited him the day of. His family in-law did not approve of him, and marrying Oumy’s best friend made it worse.
“Don’t worry! I’ll serve you, go and have a seat please.”
Oumy had never said those words to him. Fanta was born to be a wife. His wife. Now, two years later, Fanta and Oumy lived in the same house. He stopped two sisters from speaking to one another. Did he feel guilty? Of course not. However, he felt lonely in his own home. Oumy would take care of the house on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Fanta would take care of the house the other three days. The quietness of the home made him yearn for kids. But, he had lost hope when Oumy could not have children and Fanta did not want to have any.
His solution was to marry another wife. Third times a charm right? Maybe Jeneba could give him children. Or maybe Fanta would become jealous of her and decide to finally have her own children. But, he needed to win Jeneba’s heart.
“Salaam everyone! My name is Khalil Ahmoud. There’s no need for me to introduce myself. Jeneba I’m here because I want to marry you. When you marry me, you will know the type of man I am.” Khalil said.
Jeneba scoffed. “Okay, since you do not want to introduce yourself, I’ll start asking you the questions.”
“Do you believe that women’s rights are human rights?”
Khalil blinked, wondering why he was receiving the hard question. How was he supposed to answer this? Didn’t women already have rights? No? What rights do they even need?
To get Jeneba, he needed to say what she wanted to hear. “Yes, I believe that women’s rights are human rights.”
Jeneba gave him a small smile. “Okay. What makes you angry?”
Khalil was always angry. When he would come home and his wives did not prepare him food. When he would touch his wives at night, but they weren’t in the mood. When he wanted to spend some quality time with his wives, and they would make themselves busy. He felt so lonely, it was as if he did not marry two wives.
Clearing his throat, he said, “I do not get angry easily. I am a very patient man, Jeneba. When you become my wife, you will not have to worry.”
It almost sounded believable. He couldn’t care less. He needed a younger wife. Someone that would make time for him.
“That’s all, Khalil. Thank you.” Jeneba turned to look at her uncle, Tonto Ali.
“That’s it? You only asked me two questions Jeneba!”
“You want me to ask you another question?”
“Yes, how is it fair that the other men get all the easy questions?”
“Okay, Mr. I do not need to introduce myself. How many wives do you currently have?”
Khalil’s mouth slightly opened. What did he get himself into?
Next suitor. Hamza. The Desperate Man.
What do we think about Khalil? Look out for Hamza’s story!
Have you ever stood up in front of your class to present, and you can feel your heart sink, all eyes on you? Your hands clammy, a heavy lump that you can’t seem to swallow in your throat? You feel your legs shaking and you try to move it, just to shake off the feeling?
You know this feeling. It’s too common. This is how I have been feeling lately while taking in all of the information in the media. Promising myself to take breaks, but wanting to be updated every minute.
I’ve been trying to figure out ways to process everything. Finding ways to be useful, share information, and not let my anger get the best of me. Last year, I found myself educating people on white privilege. I noticed how exhausted I was talking about racism- the constant need to educate. It took a while for me to realize it was not my duty to educate people on White America.
I noticed that educating people who refuse to acknowledge their privilege is a waste of time. Why do Black people have to educate White people, the same people who created this system that BENEFITS them on racism? On racial privilege? On why our lives matter? And for those who are going to their friends saying, “educate me.” Please go and educate yourself. We are not here to educate you. You have resources. For my non-Black people who are letting their families talk shit at the dinner table, use your voice. For those who are dating or married to Black people, use your privilege. Stand up. Speak up. Your silence does absolutely nothing for us. For those who love Black culture, and thrive off of it, use your voice. You can talk about Black music, and how great it makes you feel, but you’re quiet when Black people are being killed? No, use your voice. For those who constantly say the N word, and think there’s nothing wrong with saying it, where is your voice now?
For my “slavery has ended, get over it” people, what do you have to say now? For my “All lives matter” people, how do you explain our blood in the hands of White America? For my “I’m color blind- I do not see color” people, how do you explain why BLACK people are constantly being killed? For my “I’m staying neutral” people, what is staying neutral going to do? For my “enough is enough” people, yeah we know, is that all you have to say?
To really understand Black people’s experiences in White America, you must start somewhere. Reading is a great way to start. Here are some books and podcast you can learn from.
Books
and there’s more. I will create a separate post with more books. Here is a podcast which talks about race and culture:
Now, here is how you can support during this time:
Note: In light of recent events, I would like to acknowledge the people who have lost their lives to COVID-19. May they rest in peace. I would also like to thank the people who are risking their lives for us everyday. And to my people who are struggling to take care of themselves during this time, I hope this helps.
Taking care of YOU. How does this even look like? How do people normally take care of themselves? I always tell people to take care of themselves, but I never know how they do it. What does your self care look like?
During a time like this, it’s easy to fall deep into something you can’t seem to get out of. You are with your thoughts 24/7 and the distractions around you aren’t too healthy. I have struggled these past few weeks, although I considered myself a homebody. Before this, I loved being at home, but I still went out and lived life. But why is this so different for most of us? Because we no longer have our “normal” life routine. We are now forgetting what day it is or we just feel like everyday is a Sunday. For me, I’m constantly stuck in my thoughts. However, just this past week, I’ve tried my best to begin a new routine. To start adjusting. To start living, yes to start living at home.Â
These are the things that have helped me thus far. Things keeping me sane and content. It may or may not work for you, but I encourage you to find your routine, your new rhythm. Do not be afraid to go outside of the box (please, do not go outside of your house to visit multiple people). Do not be afraid to use this time to REST. Oh- I hope you know what it means to rest because sometimes I forget. Yes, these are difficult times, but I am a huge believer in, we’ll make it.
What has worked for me 🙂
FaceTime or calling my friends/family
This is so important to me. Although I’m quiet, I still need to talk to people. My family and friends are my rock. Just seeing their faces or hearing their voices brings me peace. They keep me grounded and focused. I also love making people laugh, so I need them to hear my corny jokes.
Cooking
I never had time to cook before this. I always cooked during the weekends, but now I’m like yeah the refrigerator is my best friend.
I love eating, and I’m obsessed with watching cooking videos, which then inspires me to cook a delicious meal. Cooking is so therapeutic and rewarding.
Music
I have been creating playlists during this time. I love finding new artists to listen to. I’ve also been updating my wedding playlist. I have to be ready! Music can also be therapeutic. Sometimes, it can take you to a different realm or get you active. For me, it’s either RnB or Afrobeat.
Books/Podcasts/Audiobooks
I love searching for new things to listen to, something that can inspire me. I’m a reader, so I had to get new books to read/listen to. For my fellow readers, this is your time to catch up on the books you’ve bought. OR you can read articles online. For my non-readers, you can still read or listen to a podcast that suits your taste. Special shout out to Empty Opinions! Great podcast to listen to for my pop culture people. You can listen to Empty Opinions through this link:
This helped for a little while, but I got bored real quick. I’ve searched for so many shows to binge, but I could not find the right one. I’m still searching so if you have any recommendations, let me know! I have been watching marvel movies and African wedding videos. Please do not judge me.
Yoga/Meditation
I do not exercise. If you have a problem, abeg fight me. I love yoga though. It’s relaxing. I’m starting to wake up early mornings before I start work and do some yoga/meditation. If you’re like me and you hate exercising, join the yoga squad. Don’t be shy. For those who love to exercise, please follow my little brother’s fitness page on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/motivationmadefitness/
Art
I have so many art supplies in my room (I took art during my last semester of college and spent a lot of money on supplies). I use my sketchbook from time to time to draw patterns. I LOVE creating new patterns. I’m not saying paint Mona Lisa. No, I’m saying if you have the supplies, sketch ANYTHING. If you have paint, do some abstract art. Let your mind wander.
Writing
For my fellow writers or people who love to journal. Keep writing. I’ve been writing letters because why not. Am I gonna send out these letters? No. For my fellow over-thinkers, write. Write. Write.
Makeup/Skin Care Routine
I SUCK at doing my makeup, but it’s my time to SHINE. I really want to practice doing my makeup so that I can look good. However, I have been loving the way my skin is looking lately. I’ve been taking care of my face and it’s rewarding.
30 day challenges
These are great for times like this. You can find these challenges online or on Pinterest. I look forward to doing them. (This one is not a great example but please explore Pinterest!)
Source: Pinterest
Confessing your feelings to your crush
It’s time to shoot your shot. Tell your crush how you feel (ONLY IF THEY ARE ALSO SINGLE). When you shoot your shot, come up with the next game plan. If they’re not interested, please leave them alone and move on. Abeg, do not look desperate.
While we’re talking about crushes, FaceTime dates
These are so cute! I love that people are dressing up and being serious about this. If you were constantly going on dates before this, my friend, FaceTime dates are for you. Something to look forward to!
Learn a new skill.
I HATE to say it, I really do, but for those who just want to feel productive, you can do this. There’s nothing wrong with practicing a skill you already have or learning a new one. Do not come for me for saying this. I said those who want to feel productive.
And finally- REST.
This is so important for me. My sleeping schedule is all over the place and I just want a day where I can be lazy. Do not forget to rest.
Please stay at home unless you need to go grocery shopping or go to the pharmacy. Find your own routine, and share it with me via Instagram. If you need someone to chat with, I got you. Overall, take care of YOU.
I have a new fear, and it’s something I can get over. However, I think it will take time. I recently had a conversation with my mom and cousin about marriage. Let’s pause right here: I HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT MARRIAGE WITH MY MOM. MY OVERPROTECTIVE MOM. My “I don’t want to see you around boys” mom. My “you can’t have boys as friends” mom. Yeah, I was honestly shocked by this conversation. But, the conversation took a turn, twist, jump, and spin that I did not like.
On this day, all three of us were sitting in the kitchen (my cousin and I were attempting to cook nem- senegalese “egg rolls”). I don’t remember how it started, but I remember my cousin asking my mom about this caste system in our culture. When she first told me about this caste system, I shook my head no. I told her my parents did not believe in it. Basically, I can only marry within my “family.” If I go outside of my family name, I am out of line. Code for, I can’t marry someone richer than me or who’s last name holds more power than mine.
I know you all remember my first marriage blog post. I had mentioned that my mom only cared if I married someone who is Muslim and African. Well…
I had never been so angry in my life. For the past few years, I spent talking to men who were Muslim and African. Now the game has changed. My cousin and I became quite discouraged after the conversation with my mom. When my mother told us about the caste system, I told her about the men I was interested in. She immediately said no.
Not to my mother. But this was my reaction.
I don’t like that my parents still hold onto to these old traditions. I mean, I respect it to an extent. However, some of these traditions need to go. To me, this caste system should not be in place. Why should I allow this to stop me from marrying the love of my life? Why should I fear who I bring home to my family? For so long, I’ve lived my parents dreams. In all honesty, it ends here. I cannot continue to live their dreams, I want to start living my own. And, I am not saying it should start through marriage, but it must start somewhere.
When I think about it, and this box that I have been put in, I am so limited. I’ve talked about this box before. I might just start calling it the box of limitations and expectations. Of course, I won’t go against my parents. It may look like it if I brought home someone who they most definitely will not accept. But, in the end, my goal is to get out of this box.
The day I introduce my suitors to my parents is the day you all will never see me again. The thought of introducing them is terrifying. But as I am getting older, I’ve learned to go around my parents on certain things. I know that the conversation about marriage will continue with my mother. I pray that they accept whoever I bring home (iA).
If you are in my exact situation, introduce who you want to your parents, but be ready for the backlash. Be ready to support the one you want to marry. Be ready to have long and continuous conversations with your family. Be ready for the consequences.
I am ashamed of myself. I promise in 2020, I will be more consistent. But I am happy to share my 10 lessons of 2019. I am not going to lie… some of these lessons I had to keep learning. 2019 was an interesting year for me, and I am ready to welcome the new year 🙂
1.“A little bit of change won’t hurt…”
I struggle with change. But recently though, I’ve learned to accept it. I was so used to a specific routine. To me, change could be anything. It can be something so minor but also something drastic. I’ve had both minor changes and drastic changes happen. I learned that I don’t want to stay where I am, no matter how comfortable I get. I want to be challenged. I want to learn to adjust to whatever change that comes my way. I started this year with expectations but those expectations have changed. I know it’s hard. You are so comfortable where you are, but is it helping you grow? Is it helping you discover who you truly are? Your potential? Change is hard. Any type of change. But guess what, change can be good. So welcome it, embrace it with open arms.
2.”Healing is not an overnight process…”
You know how many times I have wanted to heal overnight. I know it’s impossible, but still. Have you ever watched Teen Wolf? In Teen Wolf, when the werewolves got hurt, they would heal immediately. I know, it’s a terrible example, but let a girl dream. I’m still learning about the healing process. This year, what I did when I was supposed to be healing, I would heal with the people that hurt me. Meaning, after being hurt, I would forgive and instead of me to heal on my own, I would go back to the same people that hurt me. Thinking about it now is making me cringe. Here’s the thing though, some of us do this because we’re afraid. It could be anything. I know for me, I was afraid of losing those people, which is why I kept going back to them. This of course did not help me heal whatsoever. It made things a lot worse for me. Please, do not delay your healing process. It takes time but you need to put in effort. One day you may be good, but the next day, you will feel horrible. Healing is not a one time thing. As you heal, remember that you are constantly evolving. Find out what it means to heal. It may be different for you. Know that this is not the end. Keep going.
3. “Having expectations for people and they don’t know about them… how sway?!”
Expectations. You have to let go of them. They will have you overthink. They will have you ruined. When you have expectations for someone, you have to let them know. You can’t get mad that they did not meet your expectations. I am guilty of this. I’ve had expectations for people in my life and they weren’t aware of them. Every time they disappointed me, they would wonder why I was behaving in an odd way. Or why I was giving them the cold shoulder. If you’re going to have expectations for someone, you have to make sure to tell them. And make sure, they are realistic expectations. Make sure you also meet that person’s expectations. It all just starts by having a conversation. Â
4. “Reach out when you’re in need of help or just someone to talk to…”
I’ve been told that I am strong, but to be honest I never believed it. I didn’t believe it before because when I’m weak, I try to deal with it all on my own. I deal with a lot of things on my own or seek professional help. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help from friends. Some will say that’s what you’re supposed to do. Sometimes though, it’s hard to reach out, especially when you’re stuck. However, it’s always best to have a support system. A small group of people who can be there for you when you really need it. Don’t abuse it too much though because everyone has problems they’re dealing with. If you do not have a strong support system, look at the people in your life who you know can help you. This doesn’t have to be just your friends. When you’re down and you really need help, please find a way to reach out. Because there are people who care about you.
5. “You’re not always the victim… so stop it.”
You ever been in a situation where you were the victim, but then after the situation has ended, you still continued “playing victim.” Yeah, stop it. I’ve done this before and it took me a while to be cognizant of it. It’s very easy to play victim after you have been the “real victim” before. You were hurt before. Someone manipulated you. Someone did you dirty. Yes, I get it. But, my dearest friend, when you’re in the wrong, take accountability. Take time to reflect and realize where you went wrong, and what you can do to resolve the situation.
6.“Your time will come.”
And it will. I have always rushed the process. Every process. I had a plan for everything. But, I realized that wasn’t fair for me. Most of my plans always went south because God had something else planned for me. It took time for me to accept that. You cannot rush any process… just because you have seen your friends somewhere in their life and you want to be there as well. However, you don’t know how long it took for them to get there OR what obstacles they had to go through to get there. Your time will come. It’s all about being patient and not being too hard on yourself. We all have our own books, stories, chapters. We’re all in a different chapter, pages in our lives.
7. “Rejection looks pretty, right?”
You don’t think so? Rejection is interesting because it’s something most of us fear. This past summer, I was rejected from a lot of things. From jobs to my love life. You would think I would’ve given up, but I didn’t. It’s humbling, to be honest. It made me take a few steps back. When I graduated this past Spring, I knew my potential, but I let it get the best of me. You would think that because you worked your ass off, things would come easy afterwards. Ha. I was wrong. I am not saying rejection is good, but it does humble you. In a really good way.
8. “Sometimes, people just aren’t happy for you and guess what? That’s none of your business”
It’s not your business. There will always be people in your life who aren’t happy for you. You can take it personally, but you can also let it go. One of the most important things I’ve learned so far is that YOU are your biggest supporter. I AM my biggest supporter. I published a book over the summer and not everyone in my life was happy for me. When I graduated, not everyone in my life was happy for me. Yeah, I cried about it, held a grudge, but I let go. It’s not easy of course. You want the people in your life to be happy about your accomplishments and goals, but remember that not everyone will happy for you. And guess what? It’s none of your business. Take your wins and celebrate yourself.
9. “It’s okay to outgrow people but that doesn’t mean you’re better than them”
You can outgrow your friends, family, strangers, whomever, but you are not better than them. Some of us outgrow the people in our lives because of our unique experiences. The situations, the heartbreaks, the crazy predicaments life hands us can help us outgrow some people. And that’s okay. What’s not okay is to make it seem like you’re above those people. You’re not. They may also outgrow you. Also, what you do with that newfound growth matters. Do you use it to help those in your life or do you gloat? Do you cut those relationships off or do you stay? I’m still learning this myself. And, I think it’s a lesson I will continue to learn in 2020.
10. “Why are you hard on yourself when society is already hard on you?”Â
I am so hard on myself. It’s something I have tried to work on for so long, but I just constantly beat myself up for EVERYTHING. I’ve seen people who are younger than me do this and it breaks my heart. I’m a hypocrite though. I tell those young people to stop that, because the people in this world will do that for you. I tend to do this thing where I do not follow my own advice. But you get the point. People in this world will be hard on you, so why do you have to also be hard on yourself? When I say being hard on yourself, I mean, self sabotaging, negative self talk. Telling yourself you’re not good enough. Beating yourself up for the mistakes you’ve made. All of this creates more baggage for you. It’s heavy. Eventually, you’ll have a difficult time carrying this baggage. You will bring this baggage everywhere- into your relationships and workplace. However, it’s a lot of work to stop being hard on yourself. For me, I’ve taken baby steps. One of the things I started doing was looking up or creating positive affirmations. Setting the intention. Looking at Diakha, and saying my affirmations. When I make mistakes, I reflect and process everything I learned from those mistakes. It’s hard, but you can do it.Â
These are my lessons. I really want to know what you have learned this year! Remember to take it easy. Enjoy your life. And share all the love you can.Â
The Life of an African Girl in America 